wordplayground

...i hate the world that made me into
nothing a child should ever be 
let alone the adult that later remains

my dreams are smashed underneath you
on the concrete
because the world should have been a better place
and the ground should have been pillows
because you had wings
but didn't fly

i find a poem
on turning seven,
on the subsequent
age of reason.
then suddenly 
i don't feel alone
in having to grow up -
forced to be grown up - 
before i wore my cherished white dress,
before i placed my left hand over my right,
before i could even respond with amen.

but, i didn't agree
and doing what i was told
stole my life.

in my nightmares
the little girl is just standing there
playing in front of the window 
in her white dress
and i want to tell her to be anywhere
except in that building 
in that white dress
on that day.

i want her to be far away
where little children are safe
somewhere
not in this world.

at my grandparent's house, 
my sister and i would sleep on twin beds pushed up against each other.
i was safe when she was in the room with me,
but i used to think about how safe i would be on the other side of that crack.
on my sister's half.
i would stick my toes in that crack,
and if i had been a little smaller, 
i could have fallen through that crack in the bed,
i could have disappeared to a place where he could never touch me.
but i never made it through the crack, or even to the other side.
but i could at least imagine a half of the world where it was safe.

dear mother,
i have something to tell you,
something you don't want to hear.

i revert
to a seven-year-old
crying over spilled milk,
afraid to admit
that my grandfather was dead
or that 
i never believed 
i was eating the body and blood 
of your jesus christ.

childhood dreams and fantasy things
supposed to be young and innocent
all i ever got was wrong
not pretty enough, not good enough
now they say "just love yourself,
you don't love yourself enough"
give me a standard i won't live up to
give me a test that i'll fail
but, and, if only, then i'd be enough
you wonder why i have these scars
i hated myself just enough