wordplayground

the distinction should be made, 
however, that
i never saw these rules as a surrender of control, but as
a way to regain control forcefully taken.
i was in control the whole time.

i can't sleep at night.
i'm terrified of sleeping at night.
so i drink endless amounts of coca-cola and coffee,
then i won't sleep at night.
instead i'll stay awake with my anxious ridden, caffeine high shaking hands.
because things happen at night,
bad things.
or if you sleep at night,
you might wake to something awful,
or at least once you did.
so it's easier to stay awake
until the sun rises at least.

if i fall asleep
will you watch over me,
keep me safe?
i'm scared of the dark,
so i'll sleep in the morning,
but if i close my eyes,
will you watch over me?
will you hold me?
(so i can rest peacefully)
will you wake me from my nightmares?
will you tell me it's okay?
(that's what i need to hear)
just hold me now,
whisper "it's okay"
because
i really
need
to 
drift
asleep.

if i told you how i really felt
you might see how scared i am
but i keep it to myself
(i don't want to scare you away)
i tell myself that no one
(no one) wants to hear these things.
they don't.
but i also know it's everywhere,
and someone has to listen.
i don't even want to hear it,
but it's in my head.
so i go away.
disassociate.
find safety in a glass box of my mind.
a box that someday will break,
(it's cracking already)

i lay me teddy bear on my cat's back. then the bear looks alive as it rides up and down with each breath. my cat doesn't even try to escape. and i think, crazy cat - you don't even realize the bear is holding you down.

i just need to calm down
shake this fear
get rid of whatever this is
god i know it's not you
where are you?
i'm scared
shaking
suffocating

i was scared and alone
i wanted
a mommy to walk me through this
i cried, i screamed
i wanted
a mommy to hold my hand
i don’t have that
mom
where are you?
i want to be a child 
unaware
trusting even your angry words
i want to go back
and start over
i want to go home
a home to go back to
without fear
i walked across the street alone
i wanted
a mommy to hold my hand

god you must be somewhere in this
but i'm so unsure, so untrusting, so afraid
i don't know where to go, what to do with this life they call mine
beads for depression, success and money
i'd take anything right now
i'll believe anything that offers hope in some form
where are you?
where am i?
i don't know up from down, let alone how to move forward
god i know you're somewhere in this,
but where?

i think of reaching out and touching you, 
but i’m afraid you’ll turn away
or you’ll make some joke of me
even though i couldn’t be more serious.
i don’t know how to love without fear,
i’m afraid of losing, afraid of rejection,
afraid i won’t be loved in return.
you think i don’t show that i love you,
you think it’s not real,
but i’m just afraid.

in my mind
i am always
telling you off
telling you off
again.
but i sit here
silently
without a word
who is in control now?
you think this is
your time?
your space?
your idea?
i won't give in 
i won't give up
so who is in control
now
i'll just keep 
telling you off
telling you off
again.

they'll say i was just a baby,
how could i remember?
but how 
could i forget those hands?
they'll say i didn't scream.
but with babies,
you don't even have to 
cover their mouth,
they'll scream and cry
so blatantly 
silent.
babies will still love you,
defend you,
protect you.
and even when the hands are gone,
the images will still be there.

you're dead,
i relive you,
and still i can't scream.

i chose to be empty. 
not feeling was better than fear.
i shut the world out so i wouldn't have to explain.
you tried to love me,
but i was just an empty body,
afraid to feel anything real.