wordplayground

you disappeared too quickly and
there is a sea of unspoken words
stretched over these miles, and
this time it is your distance,
not mine.

i step forward and back, afraid
i might cross a line without knowing
where it lies, yet knowing it exists.
have i said too much? or maybe not
enough.

i want to sit you down
ask three thousand questions
because
i don't understand
where the hate comes from.
i don't understand
how you put together
those words
in that order
to say the most hurtful
hateful angry things.
i don't understand
how you're making sense
of this
in your head.
i don't understand
the sadness and isolation
lack of self or love
that must be rotting away
inside you.

you needed orange juice
and i needed a friend,
because in the sea of faces
i used to call home
i didn't quite fit, and
the orange juice was stale.

those twenty minutes,
relatively meaningless before,
now become
all i've ever had.

you were just laughing, so 
how can that girl that was you
disappear overnight?
the girl in the hospital
isn't even you, just your body
kept alive by machines,
forcing me, once again,
to redefine death,
because it's hard to say you're alive
even while your heart beats.

but we were just laughing
about intimacy, and you said
you'd find the source of the 'rumors'
and let me know, but
then you disappeared.

what to do, what to do,
what can i do?
i choose my friends as they come,
sweat, hair undone, imperfections.
she doesn't even own the make-up
to cover the raw wound of her reality,
you,
you on the other hand
own all the newest products.
age-minimizing, redefining, concealing,
anything to cover how you came.