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...this is their revenge
for everytime i walked away...

but i was never one
to hold things inside
and let my heart break
quietly

i was never one 
to let my heart break...

i feel strange
displaced
i feel 15-years-old
runaway
with too much weight on my back
because 
i was afraid
i might need everything

i've done this so many times 
that it took me 7 minutes
from the time i decided,
packed,
started the car...
i almost got away
but you heard my engine roar
in protest of the cold
i was surprised that you called
i thought you would be relieved
without even knowing 
if i was leaving
for minutes, hours, days, years
just relieved 
to see me go

if you go 
in search of being
someone else
holding
someone else
do i then
fill your shoes?

love someone
say my hands are tied
and smile
while i rot inside
settle for a little
when they won't give a lot
keep quiet
with my hands tied

say
it was all
beyond my control

the situation is relative, 
not just between each other,
but also in consideration of each minute,
as my mind fluctuates with this new instability.
one minute,
things are only unstable because i want 
to hold on to a possibility.
but the next 
because i've always been with someone,
but i've only really been with you.

... the truth is only a question you won't answer,
the truth is vague and uncertain, 
held over my head
disrupting what was my life 
in order, outside out.

these thoughts echo in my mind.
i'm afraid to put them to words,
holding them back - as if
confronting you was the same as good-bye.

they say if you love some-
thing (someone?)
set it free.
but loving is wanting -
if i want you, is my love selfish?
holding on may(not)be holding
down.

first you're irritated because i'm trying to be nice, i'm caring, but trying not to care too much. i'm in tears because nothing i do coincides with your minute. because i don't coincide with you.

had we fallen in love
or just fallen -
thinking 
we could help each other up
instead
we held each other down

i won't take the blame.
i'll say the planetary configuration
was aligned just so,
causing me to act as i did.
when my heart breaks,
i'll blame the stars,
for opening myself,
letting you in.
i read my horoscope, daily.
and i can't be held accountable
for acting in accordance.
i'll blame the astrologist
who thought it was a good time 
in my life
to trust
and fall in love.
when i'm without,
i'll blame the astrologist,
who writes my life
at a desk
in an office
i've never seen.
but i won't take the blame for this.
it was all in the stars.

this is what i am going to remember
i am going to remember that we are young and that we love each other
i am going to remember that i slept with my best friend
that it hurt for three people, you, me, and a girl i don’t know
i am going to remember our first kiss that we have waited for
i am going to remember walking uphill because i couldn’t sleep
three stars that kept me going, you, me, and a girl i don’t know
i am going to remember a silent road trip
picnics and moments that were beautiful
i am going to remember a bloody cut on my hand
that is what this is, a scar that bleeds, swells and hurts
then heals and goes away
this is what i will remember
then i am going to forget, for you, me, and a girl i don’t know