wordplayground

my entire life always comes back to this place
this beach
these grains of sand
has the silhouette of the palm trees changed?
have i?
the beach is washing away
and i feel compelled to let it take part of me with it
i belong to this beach as much as it belongs to me
but they built a wall around it so
the beach is without its own name,
identity
and so am i

this week i am 
your yellow adidas pants
iced coffee with valencia
and soy yogurt.
i am my baby sister's 
best friend.

my wings torn off so that
i might never fly away and
miss another moment,
i would ground myself
out of necessity.

i would lose the ridiculous fantasy
that i might save the falling
after i couldn't catch
her.

prove that i am not any one
thing or moment.

torn to break my association
with the world where
i couldn't contain or
appropriately direct my anger.

i might live her life
four times over, but
i too would never fly.

wings torn off so that
i might believe 
i once had wings.

i'm sinking slowly into a pit that oozes a slimy, sticky version of self-pity,
thinking i'm alone and disjointed from all the clean dreams of what i want.
alone in the way that hits you when you're so constantly with someone else,
never able to discern your self in the void of self-inflicted doom.
like how on thursday and sunday i slept with a boy to my left, friday and saturday
with the girl to my right. (the use of indirect or directness has no meaning,
these are empty words that beat my insides until i gave them rest on the page).

i don't even want to save the world 
anymore
i've wasted enough time
trying to save myself
and after the last sleepless night
the circles under my eyes 
have more clarity than
the beliefs i once held
i want endless nights of sleep
meaningless days
the world can save itself
will anyone ever care if
i can present a cohesive argument
relating human nature and democracy?
who will ever listen
if i contend 
that a worker in colombia
is as deserving as one
in america
i want to sit and lose myself
in the crashing of the waves

if i danced,
(literally speaking)
i might dance like a dervish.
i would just possibly fall, 
madly.

what was it i was looking for?
i said i was busy filling a role
(christian, straight, vegan, gay, non-christian)
a role someone else created.
yes, i remember,
"i keep thinking i have to be something,
i have to have a definition."
so was i looking for something in particular,
or just to eliminate those boundaries?
was it a sex i wanted?
did it even have to do with sex?

i am
an accumulation of someone else's knowledge
their words, their power,
even their self-definition
and in my process of self-discovery
(so conveniently labeled by psychiatry, as if columbus discovered america
   i would so honestly discover myself)
i formulate these things
into my self

i'll let you in
on my obsessive little imperfections
like ashing
no ash at all
or a long unashed evidence
of my distraction
like rolling the cherry 
to a point
a sharp burning point
i'll let you in
on these things
like untied shoes
divider plates
and the last three uneaten bites

words, thoughts, messages
running through
echoing in my head
were those my words?
searching searching
sources can't be found
but the words 
incomplete
always there on the tip
on the tip of my pen
of my tongue
stutter
i could stutter an entire lifetime
before i get those words
right 
out of my head
wrong
the time, the place, the words
always wrong
echoes 
of the past
yes, this time those words were mine
someone else's words
ordered, defined by me
giving my insanity a voice
those were my words

i don't even know :
who 
or what
or how
i am.
i've been so busy filling a role 
  someone else created.
i've been focused on being
 christian 
 or vegan
 or non-christian
 or gay
 or straight
 or undecided
here i am
and i don't even know who
  desiree is
being desiree is only
something long hoped for

i keep thinking i have to be something
i have to have a definition
everytime a tear drops i change my mind
i am more undecided than this election
and i think "here i am - 
a part of this history
- deciding debating discussing -
watching in disbelief disgust"
and i don't even know
what i am
i could prove to you
- fact evidence debate rebuttal -
that i am one thing
switch spots
so i can prove to you
(same process as before)
that i am the exact opposite

you'll move on
forget every me
because i couldn't decide on one

i looked at the sky again
just seconds later
and my stars were gone
that's how quickly things change in this world
that's why i've been so many different things
to so many different people
in so many different places
that's why i can't settle down
decide on a place, on a person, on a name
as quickly as those stars i disappear

i've lived my life in crisis
by that definition 
i am a product of 
abuse
abandonment
rape 
homelessness
death
by that definition
i can rationalize
my lack of attachment
by that definition
i can never be
anything more