wordplayground

you disappeared too quickly and
there is a sea of unspoken words
stretched over these miles, and
this time it is your distance,
not mine.

i step forward and back, afraid
i might cross a line without knowing
where it lies, yet knowing it exists.
have i said too much? or maybe not
enough.

i am this timid girl
eager to discover every
thing, and yet i hold back.
i found this space in the
world, but i don't fit, and
i want, so badly, without
accepting what i (still
maybe, a hesitation) can't
have. 

i believed in love 

like i believe in

fairy tales
heaven
the decency of human nature and
a reason things happen

those all being things
i need to believe in
regardless 
of truth.

so this

this is like saying

cinderella became a princess,
ashley's looking down on
the president who's doing his best
and they all lived happily 
ever after.

i'm sinking slowly into a pit that oozes a slimy, sticky version of self-pity,
thinking i'm alone and disjointed from all the clean dreams of what i want.
alone in the way that hits you when you're so constantly with someone else,
never able to discern your self in the void of self-inflicted doom.
like how on thursday and sunday i slept with a boy to my left, friday and saturday
with the girl to my right. (the use of indirect or directness has no meaning,
these are empty words that beat my insides until i gave them rest on the page).

had we fallen in love
or just fallen -
thinking 
we could help each other up
instead
we held each other down

i won't take the blame.
i'll say the planetary configuration
was aligned just so,
causing me to act as i did.
when my heart breaks,
i'll blame the stars,
for opening myself,
letting you in.
i read my horoscope, daily.
and i can't be held accountable
for acting in accordance.
i'll blame the astrologist
who thought it was a good time 
in my life
to trust
and fall in love.
when i'm without,
i'll blame the astrologist,
who writes my life
at a desk
in an office
i've never seen.
but i won't take the blame for this.
it was all in the stars.

i only stop on prime numbers
because i want something real
something that can't be 
divided or broken down or
overanalyzed
or even simplified
you probably never could give me that
(would you even want to?)
it's ridiculous
corny
even normally pathetic
but
i want to fall in love
madly, head-over-heels in love
and i'm tired of settling
because i'm scared i'll never have that
but i want a prime number,
why should i settle for less?

this is what i am going to remember
i am going to remember that we are young and that we love each other
i am going to remember that i slept with my best friend
that it hurt for three people, you, me, and a girl i don’t know
i am going to remember our first kiss that we have waited for
i am going to remember walking uphill because i couldn’t sleep
three stars that kept me going, you, me, and a girl i don’t know
i am going to remember a silent road trip
picnics and moments that were beautiful
i am going to remember a bloody cut on my hand
that is what this is, a scar that bleeds, swells and hurts
then heals and goes away
this is what i will remember
then i am going to forget, for you, me, and a girl i don’t know

i think of reaching out and touching you, 
but i’m afraid you’ll turn away
or you’ll make some joke of me
even though i couldn’t be more serious.
i don’t know how to love without fear,
i’m afraid of losing, afraid of rejection,
afraid i won’t be loved in return.
you think i don’t show that i love you,
you think it’s not real,
but i’m just afraid.

what would age be
if we weren't counting?
would we measure a life 
by its richness
in smiles and laughter,
experiences,
dreams fulfilled,
by the amount of love she gave,
or its brightness - 
the only word i've found
to adequately describe you -
how would we count your life
without the numbers making us cry?
how can we replace the measurements 
of years, days, hours, minutes,
with all that your life really was?