running
you disappeared too quickly and there is a sea of unspoken words stretched over these miles, and this time it is your distance, not mine. i step forward and back, afraid i might cross a line without knowing where it lies, yet knowing it exists. have i said too much? or maybe not enough.
the music stops and i realize i've been sitting here over an hour. my legs are crossed and i've been sitting on my hands. i was doing nothing. i was lost in my mind doing everything. does this place make me crazy? i think i'm running from her but i realize she's gone so there's really nothing to run from. is this really me here, should i be here? should i be freezing my ass off in a place i hate with people i love? but there are people i love here too. and there's this place. the bird bath is still chipping. i've gone to crazy and back and some things never change.
backtrack to being that girl:
hang up the phone, take death, and roll it into a cigarette. smoke. and leave. say good-bye. leave. drown in school. leave. repair the cheap fairy that broke in three. leave. cancel these online accounts with no borders. and leave. leave. leave. and leave again.
failure.
realize:
that girl died with a swan dive. and jumping was easy and falling was fun. twelve stories to the sidewalk, shivering and stunned.
there is no going back.
and bitterness fades. becomes your best friend, holds your hand. makes you a better person.
charcoal on my hands, perhaps for the first time since she died. i missed that. the black shadowy mess suits me well. that girl may have died but there is something to be said for rediscovering who you are in moments like these.
my wings torn off so that i might never fly away and miss another moment, i would ground myself out of necessity. i would lose the ridiculous fantasy that i might save the falling after i couldn't catch her. prove that i am not any one thing or moment. torn to break my association with the world where i couldn't contain or appropriately direct my anger. i might live her life four times over, but i too would never fly. wings torn off so that i might believe i once had wings.
i was always in such a hurry to get to the next place, the next person... i wanted so badly just to finish this life. i've rushed to so many good-byes because i needed to leave first, because i wanted it to end on my terms. i was always running, realizing who i had been once i was miles down the road. running afraid - racing to any end in sight...
running running running now that something's gone wrong i sat and did nothing this whole time i stayed on the sidelines by choice i listened, i wrote, i occasionally called, i was never really there but now, now that it's too late, i'll fight for you, i'll stand, i'll cry i'll come running running running but i was never really there of course, now i'd gladly let you nag me, slap me, tell me lies now i'll listen, i could even really be there but you won't have the energy to pick at our imperfections to lift your hand to slap my leg to even keep track of the lies you told i'll come running running running to find i don't recognize your face but i was warned of that i'll have nothing to say
dear mother, i have something to tell you, something you don't want to hear. i revert to a seven-year-old crying over spilled milk, afraid to admit that my grandfather was dead or that i never believed i was eating the body and blood of your jesus christ.
i believe in something believing is truth with or without proof i believe in death everyone i know has died in some way to life, or love, or happiness or drugs we’re dying everyday i believe in escape running away from the madness of my mind thinking it won’t come with me this time avoiding what might possibly be real i believe in pain in the heart, or the mind or the body crippling pain that leaves us devastated reaching out for something to believe in i have to believe in something something good, something real, something all·powerful something that doesn’t die or run away i believe in something something worth believing in
mom i saw you in my dream last night you were waiting watching me i still don’t know what to say how do i explain myself ? so i drove away without looking back mom i saw you in my dream last night you were silent hating / loving me you’d packed up my things i was nervous and afraid how do i explain my life, dreams, thoughts, actions ? so i walked away without looking back